Honoring Our Seasons of Contraction
This is long overdue and needed to be written, so here it goes. These days we're inundated with the glamorization of fast growth and success. I don't know about you, but when I scroll through my newsfeed, I am bombarded with sponsored posts by the gurus that promise the superficial, goal-oriented way of life.
To tell you the truth, just seeing this makes me feel anxious. It creates this unrealistic space of expectation that is not sustainable. And most importantly, it misses the most valuable piece, which is our natural cycles of contraction.
This is especially relevant in these times of so much upheaval.
I have a lot to share on this, and much of it feels very vulnerable to put out into the world. But at this stage in my evolution, authenticity is the essential aspect of my being and leadership, as all else does not honor me, nor does it celebrate and serve you.
Back to the early ‘80s
No path of flourishing is ever linear but always winding with twists and turns along the way. Honoring ourselves within the times of contraction, which sometimes include the dark nights of the Soul, and truly understanding their purpose is vital to our well-being and growth.
For this, I have to reach way back to the early 80s and my 15th birthday.
My Dad had left my Mom and me when I was 11, and from that moment forward, it had been a roller coaster of life completely turned upside down. My way of finding my footing was to become independent pretty early on, as my mom was first working in a jeans store, then establishing her boutique during the day, and working in a friend’s pub on weekend evenings. She did the best she could, and so did my grandparents, to normalize our lives.
My early teen years were spent discovering the fun times of Disco life. It was an emergence of the best era of music ever, with dancing, school, and my first attempts at love relationships. However, they did not feel healthy. I also had bouts with various eating disorders that were my coping mechanisms. Growing up as a chubby kid, I’d been picked on for that part of myself, and controlling my weight gave me the illusion of control over several aspects of my life.
I didn’t do drugs or alcohol but was smoking cigarettes from the time I was 13, cause it was cool, and everyone I looked up to was doing it. (What can I say, this was Germany in the ’80s ;) )
By the time I was 15, I was feeling exhausted, knowing that I had to take a complete break from all of it, and retreat. Lacking self-worth, I could feel myself going down a very unhealthy path longing to heal the big, gaping wound the trauma with my Dad had left in me.
I knew instinctively that this was not who I am. I had gotten caught up in a spiral that was not going to slow down unless I brought it to a halt. I sensed that the external things would not support who I was inside, nor could I change the outside when my energy wasn’t in order.
There was a voice of wisdom inside me that told me that I needed to figure myself out first and foremost; that it would be okay to retreat and let myself grieve instead of chasing a life that could not come from the outside.
Contracting and Healing
So, for the next year, other than going to school, I took a sabbatical, and focused on me. It was a time of resting, reading the few spiritual books I could get my hands on, deepening my Tarot learning, journaling, painting, and learning English while listening to and translating Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ and other fabulous music of the time. I know my mom was worried about me, and I am sure there was some level of depression, my listening choice of ‘The Wall’ kinda gives that away. But I also instinctively knew that in the darkness and the light I would equally find myself, like an incubation period, and heal. I understood that this space would nourish me and life outside of my bubble would wait for me when I was ready to emerge.
And in these moments, we always receive some physical guidance that Source speaks through where tools are literally dropped into our path. And for me, one of these tools came to me in the form of a book from a friend of my mom’s, called Life After Life about near-death experiences by Raymond Moody.
Even though that subject might seem morbid, for me there was such a light of awareness revealed between the pages, which was more insightful than anything else I’d ever been told in my life up until that point. It was a truth to me, so profound, with something that I already instinctively knew and remembered which supported and propelled me forward.
I didn’t know at the time what was to come, and the quiet stillness that was necessary to build up the energetic momentum I would need, but I trusted that the Spirit inside of me would guide me through.
Let Life Unfold
And then, in high school, my friend Tine joined my class, and we became almost inseparable. I knew that her Dad owned a disco in my hometown which I had never been to before. And with her encouragement I went, and would continue to go for the next three years.
These were some of the best times of my life, with such a sense of freedom, and just so much fun with the music, dancing, and getting to know new people.
And just like that, life had returned. It would not be long after I started going, that I would meet Tim, my husband, who was stationed near my hometown and would come to the Disco on the weekends with his friends.
Within a span of a few years I would graduate high school, attend college and graduate with a degree in Art and Design, reunite with my Dad, and get married to Tim in 1988. I would also undergo an apprenticeship as a cabinetmaker and finish that while Tim went to Desert Storm. He picked me up in Germany and we moved to Tennessee in 1991 and started a completely new life. We bought our home, I learned how to garden, and started my healthy Vegetarian lifestyle.
Phew, and exhale!
Looking back now, that time out seeded what was to come, so I would have the capacity to grow my identity. I know that the year of going inward gave me my foundation, and nourished my growth that was about to take place. Strength is built from inside of us, within our connection to our Source.
We all have these moments at the crossroads of life, and we may even receive conflicting messages about where to turn. However, there is always that guiding force that wants our best, and we can instinctively feel Its support and deep love for us, even if we can only sense its whisper sometimes.
I know that my growth could only happen through this season of spaciousness that I had created for myself, where time would stand still for me, even though it may have looked scary to the outside world at times.
Our capacity to hold space for ourselves and others is found in the balance of contraction and expansion. The times of contraction are vital moments to honor, as they always provide us with a new foundation to grow from. They can actually propel us to whole new levels and accelerate our growth more profoundly than we ever could have reached otherwise.
I will continue this writing in my next Blog Post, as this is a thread throughout my life cycles. In the next post, I will share my recent journey through menopause so that we can normalize and honor the ups and downs of this season of life. For now, I send you much love, and please feel free to reach out to me. I always love to hear how this relates to you and your life. And if this supports and inspires you, then it is worth my sharing it.